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Quality Gags
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The YTs have got a jokes page with no decent gags on it and what with the comedy central of Lincolnshire being Ulceby, lets get cracking.
Any decent gags to the Guestbook and I'll pop em on (if they're not too rude!). As many as you like.
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The Gags.
Gag by Bob:
An Irishman and a Catholic Priest are sitting next to each other on a plane. The air hostess asks Paddy what he would like to drink and he asks for a Rum and Coke.
The air hostess then asks the Prist whether he would like anything from the drinks trolley. The Priest states that he would rather be raped by 100 whores than allow alcohol to pass his lips. Paddy thrusts his drink back into the hostess' hand and says "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"
Gag by Bob:
7 men and an Irishman standing in a Rape Identity Parade. The victim walks in and Paddy shouts "That's her, that's the miserable bitch!"
Gag by Barney:
These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain.
''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''
Gag by Blyths:
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief Proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to My horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next Morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver
takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tentand spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you dumb ass -
for the Last time
BRING POSSEE!
Gag by Stu:
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was
quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f_ _ _ ing putt, didn't you?"
Gag by Sean:
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman
"Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this man your owner?"
(pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"
Gag By Sean:
4 guys are discussing what the fastest thing in the world is.
The first guys says its the speed the light comes on when you flick the switch.
This is pondered before the second guys says he thinks its the signal sent from the brain to make you blink.
The guys chew this over before the third bloke says its the speed you can think at.
The fourth guys has had enough and says that they are all wrong, the fastest thing in the world is diarrhea. they all protest until he says 'I was lying in bed the other morning and before I could think, blink or put the light on, I had sh*t myself'
Gag by: Rachael (Bob's missus)
Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasimodo are drinking in the pub.
Tom Thumb says "I bet you anything I'm the smallest person in all the world!"
"So what," replies Cinderalla "I'm definiely the most beautiful person in the whole world!"
Quasimodo adds "Well I'll bet that I'm by far the ugliest person in the world!"
They debate each other's claims before deciding that the only way to truly find out if their claims are right, is to look in the Guiness Book of Records.
Tom Thumb flicks through the pages and to his delight finds he IS the smallest in the world.
Cinderella looks and finds that she IS in fact the most beautiful person in the world.
They pass the book to Quasimodo and when he has found the page he's looking for, glances up and asks "Who the hell's this Bob O'Mara?"
Gag by: Barney
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Note: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application
Gag by: Rocky
Two old mates went to Spain on holiday. After a few days they were bored and sat in silence wondering what to do.
One said to the other I know what to do. We'll both leave the apartment in the morning and you can go south and I'll go north and when we come back we'll have something to talk about. Ok said the other.
The both left the apartment in the morning and went their separate ways. In the evening they returned.
One asked. What did you do today? I went south and after about ten miles I came to a meadow with tall grass and wild flowers, birds singing insects buzzing and in the distance I could see a deer sipping water from a sparkling stream. I stayed their all day wiv me sarnies in awe of nature’s beauty.
What did you do?
After a about 5 miles I came to a railway track and decided to follow it. After about two miles I rounded a bend in the track and saw a women tied to them. I raced toward her and cut her ropes free. I spent the rest of the day making love. She was on top, I was on top, and from behind it was the best I have ever had.
Oh, sounds like a much better day than I had. What colour hair did she have?
I dunno - never found the head.
Gag by: Fletch
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a taxi to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The taxi driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Gag by: Blythsy
HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing
so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know
why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I
had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finall y, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
bed,and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his
thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid!
Gag by: Jauncey
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
Gag by: Jauncey
Two birds sat on a perch, one says to the other can you smell fish?
Gag by: Bob
What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Gag by: Bob
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other can you smell carrots?
Gag by: Stu
How do you make an apple crumble?
Kick it in the groin!
Gag by: Bungle
A duck walks in to a pub. He asks the barman "have you got any bread?" to which the barman replies "No, we don't serve bread, we serve beer,"
The duck waddles off and returns 5 minutes later asking "have you got any bread?" to which the barman replies "No I've told you before, I don't serve bread, I serve beer!"
The duck waddles off to the other side of the bar and returns 5 minutes later. He asks the barman "have you got any bread?" An angry barman replies "Look I've told you, we don't serve bloody bread, if you ask me that question again then I'll nail your freakin' beak to the bar,"
The duck ponders the barmans remarks and then asks "have you got any nails,"
The barman says "No,"
So the duck asks "Have you got any bread mate?"
Gag by: Blythsy
Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Gag by: Blythsy
The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Red Road estate in the Sight Hill area of Glasgow.
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths roam the Sight Hill area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold
move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international
recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the first practice session, the Red Road pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds,
but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Tenant's super strength, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Gag by: Blythsy
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Wow, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay, loves cock, and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a night-club."
The three friends laughed: " An arse bandit? Anchor’s off ball bag bay does he? Ha Ha Ha...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "I’m not disappointed. Why should I be, He's my son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
Gag by: Blythsy
Picture the scene - An old wild west saloon, theres a long bar at the far wall with spitoons along the floor, Ladies of dubious virtue wait on the top balcony ( most likley for burry to get his giro cashed).
A piano is being played in 1 corner by old man chappy and numerous games of poker are being played.
Suddenly at the bar, a fight breaks out between 2 men and guns are drawn, a stray shot hits a poor dog in its foot! It yelps in pain and dissapears out of the saloon doors. The fight eventually comes to an end with auncey admitting he has got a tattoo of hitler on his left buttock.
Just then the saloon doors bang open and the dog walks back into the saloon on his hind legs wearing a gun belt!
Old man chappy stops playing the piano and all is still, then the dog says
"AM HERE FOR THE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW!"
Gag by: Fletch (Goxhill U16s)
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that he doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Gag by: Fletch
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me £25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
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